Like a true, unshakable feeling that something is, or could be pursuing you in some way? This account, in its early months, haunts me in that way. Going through relatively harmless silly things for fear someone digs them up years later when anxious is certainly not a rational thing to do, but the anxieties are a reality and I would rather be able to sleep tonight.
As I write this up, I’m going through my history and will either selectively, or mass-delete its earliest months. The thing is, it feels somewhat dirty to delete in entirety what happened in that timespan, so the best I can think to do is give a clear retelling of the important bits in this post.
I Have a history in youtuber fandom. Yes, that side of youtuber fandom. My role was mostly in and around, producing fluffy written work and eventually art that I may or may not sponge off the record. (Since we’re having honesty hour it’s worth nothing that part of my fascination with psychology started off by youtuber people-watching).
The time I spent in this fandom produced a unique experience, as happenstance and a bright idea brought a group of people in this microfandom together under the name of the ‘Classy Crew’ (shorthand for the ‘Classy as Fuck Crew’ named after something Simon Lane said about wagonwheels pasta or something). The ‘Crew’ served under a captain, whose username I will withhold. They were in charge of who got in, and who got out.
In hindsight, it was pretty obvious that this formula was going to go poorly, but it’s the sort of thing that becomes obvious after at least one observation of something like it, and even if it was predictable it wasn’t preventable. Things got complicated between individuals, the fandom tried to grow but the complication of an established ‘government’ made for more political drama than little me could stand. I remember walking around with a knot in my stomach for a very long time as I worried about youtube personality/ fandom relations, and the politics in the fandom itself. This was in the earlier years of tumblr, not really when it was in its infancy but when it was less known to the internet personalities involved.
As one would suspect, there was a break-up. Largely for interpersonal reasons and the natural wear and tear time brings. It ended, and I drifted off slowly into and away from other people, but the ‘excitement’ was over.
At the time of writing this, it’s been about three years. Strange, since it doesn’t even feel like that long ago, but I’ll take all the distance I can get from my visibly post-DA dialogue. I’ve left shreds of things behind, largely my icon that one of the other ‘crewmembers’ made and some art.
After picking the first couple months clean, one-thirty am rolled around and I was too tired to go on. Here’s hoping I cut someone’s archive-journey time in half if they ever wander back here.